CleanTV: The Infiltration

So in my last entry, I wrote a letter to CleanTV's generic information email address, making smartass comments about their terrible grammar. CleanTV is a website run by Steven DeVore, who thinks that society is being ruined by Janet Jackson's filthy nipple and other atrocities. His site will allow visitors to send buttloads of email to the advertisers of programs he deems objectionable. The idea is to ruin television for those of us that think Scott Thompson is funny.

I received a response from the founder, Steven DeVore himself. I had expected that the sarcasm in my email would be patently obvious. Who takes comments about burning witches at the stake seriously? And, more importantly, once we identify those persons who take them seriously, how can we not exploit them for our own amusement?

In the response, Mr. DeVore asks for my assistance in helping him to proofread his summaries. He has 10+ years of college education, and I'm a high school dropout. How my dumb ass can be of any assistance really boggles the mind, but it is an opportunity to infiltrate CleanTV.

I really don't have patience to do a handful of summaries legitimately, and then to slowly start working subversive messages into them. This would surely be more effective, but fuck it. I'm going to gamble it all on one summary. I think I pushed the envelope a little too far to be taken seriously a couple of times, but we'll see.

> Actually I wrote the summaries. They are in a "shorthand" format and
> need to be edited. Would you like to volunteer to do that? Your help
> would be appreciated.

Mr. DeVore,

I'd be glad to edit these summaries for you!  I don't have the luxury
of living in Utah, so I won't be able to produce my own.  Attached is
my rewrite of your summary of the Conan O'Brien show.  As I was
correcting the grammar, it donned on me that some people might not
actually be offended by some of the events you describe, so I made it
a point to include a detailed explanation of why these things are
offensive.

Just as your site is a great resource for those who missed the filth on
television to catch up with it, I hope we can extend it to become a
resource for those who may not understand that what they're
watching is actually offensive to them.

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Conan O'Brien (12:00 AM)

Conan jokes that a pair of boxer shorts worn by JFK sold at auction for
$5,000, as did a bra worn by Ted Kennedy.  This is offensive because God
dictated that certain clothes be worn by men, and others should be worn
by women.  Also, it is offensive to mention the names of undergarments
on television, as it leads to lewd thoughts.

Offensive language: "What the hell was that... (repeated)" and "You
cheap bastard."  This is offensive because hell, while mentioned in the
Bible repeatedly, is not to be discussed, unless it is used as a way to
scare children into obeying the church.  Also, a bastard is an
illegitimate child, and it is dangerous to remind impressionable viewers
that sex is biologically possible outside of wedlock.

In a comedy routine, Conan says that Max (the bandleader and drummer)
had witnessed his wife having sex with her boyfriend.  Max says it's
better to have a wife with a boyfriend than a boyfriend with a wife.
You should find this offensive because adultery is clearly defined as
a deadly sin in the Bible.  Also, witnessing a sex act is never to be
done, since the beautiful expression of love, using the anatomy blessed
upon us by God, is a filthy, filthy thing.  Max's implication that Conan
is homosexual is also offensive.

Guest actor Joaquin Phoenix says the "s-word" twice.  Although bleeped
out, this is a particularly offensive word for the process of defecation
(verb) and excrement (noun).  Whether it was used to literally mean
excrement, or whether it was used figuratively, as in "Such-and-such is
the s-word," you should train yourself to always think of excrement
so that you are properly offended.

Homosexual/Canadian comedian/actor Scott Thompson drips water on his
shirt and says, "now I can show off my nipple.  My nipple talks."
Besides the obvious offense of showing an openly homosexual man on
television, it features conversation about the male nipple.  The male
nipple does not have any sexual or biological functions of its own, but
is a reminder of the female nipple, which produces secretions and sexual
excitement, and is thus filthy.  In this same way, replacing "nipple" with
"bellybutton" would have been an offensive conversation, as the
bellybutton  conjures memories of the umbilical cord, which serves to
nurture babies.   All body parts associated with babies are offensive.

Wiping water off the table, Scott Thompson says "I love repetitive
movement."  This a reference to sex, which is God's way of having us
produce babies, and is offensive.

Scott Thompson says that a lot of his ex-boyfriends are journalists, and
makes comments about one of them being a "bottom."  This insight into
the language of homosexuals should be offensive to you because it serves
to establish that homosexuals might actually be people, with the capacity
to develop their own jargon.  If our children see this, they might also
start to think that homosexuals have feelings, emotions, and morals of
their own.

Thompson says he was accused of sexually harassing an actress for
touching her 'bong,' a Canadian term for what Americans call an 'ass.'
He explains that Canadians use the term 'ass' to refer to the rectum.
"It's not an ass in Canada unless, after you put your fingers in it,
they come out warm."  Steven DeVore notes that this is a reference to
homosexual sexual behavior.  The National Prostate Cancer Coalition
recommends that men 50 and up engage in homosexual sexual behavior
with their proctologists regularly after 50, but this should not be
discussed on television.

Local Advertisers: Bacardi Rum, KSL News, R-Rated Move "In The Cut,"
The GM Guy Jerry Seiner, KSL News, University of Utah, Henry Day Ford,
Nuttall & Brown Attorneys.

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Your comments are welcome.

Your Brother in Christ,
Alex