If It Was a Cleaning, Why Do I Feel So Dirty?

I had this idea for one of those long journal entries nobody really reads. I had a lot of stuff to cover about going to the dentist for the first time in way too long, but I'm stuck on what happened today at my second appointment, a cleaning.

The dentist, a woman in her 30's or 40's with one of those mystery accents that could be from just about anywhere, initially asks me if I was missing school for this. Okay, I look young. I can accept that. I say I work, and start to joke about a 7 am appointment being torture for me. She notices my birthday was last week, and asks how old I am now. I say 24. She's shocked. Not surprised, shocked. She digs into my mouth with all manner of scraping, poking tools. She keeps telling me how good a job I've done brushing, which I initially take as a sincere compliment, but after a while start to recognize as the way I talk to Zoe about picking up her toys or not shitting herself. I start to understand that she's decided to just forget that I'm 24 and go back with her gut instinct.

I start to get comfortable with thinking of myself as a teenager again. In fact, she makes a few comments about "teenagers" in a way that implies "teenagers like you." I find it easier to assume the role she's cast me in, than to be offended. Right about this time, she plants her breast on my face. This isn't incidental contact, this is full-on boob smothering. Here I am, 24 years old, being child molested. I always avoid eye contact with anybody, it's part of my charm (or pathos, depending on your perspective), but this gives it a little extra precedence in my mind. She continues tit-humping my face for 20 more minutes, constantly reminding me what a good brusher I am. At the end of the appointment, she gives me a toothbrush and, I shit you not, a tube of kids' toothpaste. There was a huge stack of regular toothpaste right next to it, so it wasn't a supply issue. She explains that kids tend to prefer the flavor, so it was no accident. Up until this point, I had assumed she thought I was about 18, or maybe as young as 16. But kids' toothpaste!? I'm saying 10 years old is absolutely the oldest anyone can be to accept kids' toothpaste without being offended. A grown woman trying to get with an older teenager is kinda hot, in that MILF-y sort of way, but putting your rack on a 10-year-old's face is just sick. This woman should be locked up.

I have an appointment for an orthodontist consultation next month at the same office. It's a male doctor this time, so we'll see what he decides to put on my face.