An Open Letter to Social Conservatives

Hello social conservatives of America,

Reports are starting to surface that you're a little peeved with the Bush administration lately. Apparently, the campaign is trying to court the moderate vote, and is leaving you feeling a little neglected.

Yes, Bush could have been more outspoken on the days leading up to the gay marriage amendment vote. He could have been on Fox News warning about Sodom and Gomorra and all of that nutty stuff that makes you feel righteous and tingly inside. He could have publicly called for the ouster of any Republican party members who didn't vote for it. He could have chastised John McCain for being so vocally opposed to it. But instead, he kept his mouth shut so he wouldn't offend the moderates. This must have been really upsetting to you.

And it's true that the Republican National Convention isn't letting your favorite people -- the Pat Robertson / Jerry Falwell brigade -- get up and speak. Instead, you're going to be forced to try to stomach the message of moderation and inclusiveness that so sickens you. Even that traitor McCain is going to be speaking... but not David Duke or Rick Santorum? What gives? I can understand your outrage.

So you're rumbling. You're rattling a lot of cages, and beating on minori-- er, I'm sorry -- beating on drums. You're trying to convince the Bush-Cheney campaign that they've strayed too far towards the middle, and need to come back out by the poplar trees so they don't lose your vote.

Well, I hate to break this to you, but you're a pawn. You've been manipulated, and you're right where they want you. Ol' Dubya sucked your nutsack for the last 3 years, and they know you're not going anywhere. In fact, the more noise you arch-conservatives make, the more you make this religious lunatic look appealing to the moderates. What's the worst they have to worry about? Are you going to jump ship and vote for someone that would allow the states to make their own decisions about two guys assfucking on their honeymoon and its contribution to the downfall of society? Hell no, you're not.

Don't get me wrong, you'll get the occasional bone thrown to you between now and November. It won't be in the form of any sort of policy, it'll be that hollow, jingoist rhetoric that -- if sung with a twang and a steel guitar -- could top the country music charts any day of the week. This is their way of keeping you from getting any nutty ideas about throwing a vote away on Pat Buchanan. ("What's that? 'God bless the U-S of A'? Aww, who we kidding, Barbara? We's a red-blooded Dubya fam'ly, by God.")

Come hell, or rock music, you're voting for Bush. They know that, and they're done with you until after November. You've had a good run, and you've gotten things accomplished that even your saint-to-be Ronald Reagan didn't have the balls to try. (Oh yeah, it's a shame that one of those things -- the ban on stem-cell research -- might have prevented the development of a treatment for the disease that took his life. Irony is the spice of life, no?)

So keep being roused, you loveable, bigoted, backwards-assed, rabble, you. Dance for the puppet-master. Come November, you'll get all of the 17th-century social policy your stocks and gallows can handle. I've even heard that if Bush carries Florida, he'll let you burn a witch.